I know that you probably don't want to hear it, but I have good excuses...really I do. Let me just say that the month of May was one crazy ride for me and here is the abbreviated version...
...our daughter, Kendall, officially graduated from high school on May 23rd (and we couldn't be more proud of her). Many friends and family came to help us celebrate and I believe Kendall enjoyed herself immensely.
...I am officially on the mend from some mysterious health issues (chest pain with no known cause-but we ruled out all the bad stuff like heart, stroke, cancer etc). After spending some time in the hospital and a week home from work, I am beginning to feel like I am back in the land of the living again (yes, the timing for this was awesome *said with a very sarcastic tone*)
...and as of June 1st I was officially NOT on vacation anymore and back to work (I took 10 days off, had a very nice time, and even managed to celebrate my birthday in style, thanks to my wonderful husband).
One would assume then, that I did not have much time to think or reflect on my life, but believe it or not, I managed to fit a lot of that in as well (and if you know me at all, you know that I am actually always thinking and processing "stuff", whether I want to or not). I used to think it was a curse, but honestly, it's just a natural state of being for me, and I'm okay with that. In fact, two of my favorite things to do, knitting and pondering life (over a good cup of coffee with a good friend)...well there's nothing better, but I digress.
Many, many thoughts ran through my mind and my heart as we celebrated our daughter moving into adulthood. At times I wanted to make her stop what she was doing, grab her up, and hold her so close to me because it felt like if I didn't I would never have that chance again. Other times I wanted to disconnect from everything because it felt so painful to know that her childhood was over. Any regrets, any mistakes, I would simply have to live with them.
The questions, the questions I had...Did I tell her "I love you" enough?
Did I take the time to listen enough? Did I smile enough along the way? Did we teach her the things she will need to know to go out into the world? Is she happy? Were we too strict? Is she happy? Were we too lenient? Is she happy? What could I have done differently?
Does she feel loved, and safe, and secure in herself? Is she confident and self-aware?
Her dad and I struggled to process these things and more. Where has the time gone? How will she look back on her childhood? Did we spend enough time together as a family? Will she always know that we are here for her and that she always has a home?
...all the things parents hope they gave their child....
It's amazing to me but I believe the answer to all of these questions is yes! I think in our own way we did. As I sat visiting with her the other night, it came to me that I could indeed take a deep breath and replace the self-doubt with a healthy dose of accomplishment and relief. The easy,quiet way she had of telling me about her day and the comments and thoughts she shared about her views of the world as it is right now, told me unequivocally that all was well inside and out for Kendall. She's going to be just fine, and so am I.
"Life dances and you have to dance with it, whether it is taking you on a wonderful ride or is stepping on your toes. This is the necessary price and transcendent gift of being alive in a body. But it is just life dancing. Life will move you in the rhythm and direction of its own nature. Each moment is a fresh moment in the dance, and if you are lost in clinging to the past or clinging to your hopes or fears of the future, you are not present for the dance." --Phillip Moffitt
So let's dance.